If you are lucky enough to have a baby shower, one stressful part of pregnancy is registering for all the baby items and gear you might need or want for your baby. The sheer number of items and brands to choose from is mind-boggling.
If you’re in this process, you are probably pulling your hair out trying to separate what is truly necessary from false marketing messages, or trying to figure out how to get that one stroller to fit with the safety recommended car seat. It is confusing at best, overwhelming and discouraging at worst.
Part of the overwhelm comes from the realization that you don’t know what some of this gear even is or how to use it, which may cause you to doubt your abilities or readiness to care for your baby. I remember how horrified I was to discover the existence of the Nosefrida, which everyone recommended. It was one of the first clues that this whole baby thing might be a little harder, stranger, and more disgusting than I had initially imagined.
You may also be surprised to discover that choosing from the thousands of options requires you to make some preliminary decisions about your parenting philosophy and methods. Are you going to be the sling-wearing mom with the bedside sleeper? The super healthy mom that makes her own organic baby food? Will you pay up for the expensive breast pump because you will keep pumping after maternity leave or will you switch to formula at that point? Will you get the video monitor and nervously watch them sleep, or will you shut the door and just check on them once in a while? If you’re like I was, you probably have no idea how to even begin to answer questions like these.
In this process, you will inevitably ask your mom friends what gear to buy, what was most helpful for them, and what they found to be unnecessary.
I want to encourage you to ask every single mom you encounter these questions, and then pay very close attention to what they have to say.
No, don’t pay too close attention to the specific gear they mention.
Instead, pay attention to the fact that everyone’s list is 95% different. Hilariously so. One mom will tell you not to waste your money on that popular sound machine because it doesn’t work. The next mom will tell you that that same sound machine was the secret ingredient that made her baby sleep. One will tell you that that baby wrap was the biggest lifesaver. Another will tell you that their baby carrier was a registry regret, as their baby never tolerated it well. One will tell you that they absolutely loved cloth diapers. Another will tell you that they were losing their mind over cloth diapers and finally decided to just use disposable.
If you’re one of the first moms in your family/friend circle, just Google “what gear to buy for baby,” and read a few of those articles. Same effect.
Also, notice how confident some of the moms seem about those things that went well for them, and notice the forlorn, deeply sad expression they get when asked about which gear will help their baby sleep well. Or travel well. Or breastfeed/pump/bottle feed well. Or whatever was the thing that didn’t go as well for them, because inevitably, there was at least one thing that didn’t go so well for them. Notice the hopelessness and lack of confidence in their eyes. Maybe because they felt they had the wrong gear. Or maybe because they bought ALL the gear and none of it helped.
Take my baby, for example, whose struggle was (and still is) sleeping well. Even though we were on a tight budget, I was so desperate for sleep that I bought or borrowed all the things. I tried all kinds of swaddles and sleep baby suits. No help. Several different bassinets/cribs/pack n plays? No help. Several noise machines and all their various settings? No help. The best nonfiction books by parents and pediatricians and magicians with all the techniques to try? Nope, those books caused me way more harm than good. Giving up at 11 months, buying retractable sides to our bed, basically turning our king-sized bed into a giant playpen and just co-sleeping? Worked, but I had to start lying to our pediatrician, which is uncomfortable for me.
Just like me, just like every mom, there will be parts of raising a baby that will go well for you and parts where you will struggle. And it probably won’t be your fault, or the fault of whatever gear you chose.
I hope along the way of asking for advice you meet a wise mom with multiple kids who has been through it all, the kind with a compassionate heart and a solid memory. They will approach your questions with calm and humor and perspective, because they know the deeper truths that will actually help you. Maybe they are an older mom who parented over a long course of years and actually watched the safety recommendations and gear change through the years, which will give them an added dose of perspective few have.
They’ve seen enough to know that there are a million ways to be a good mom, and they understand that babies come pre-programmed in so many ways. They raised all their babies with similar techniques and yet one is a picky eater while one eats anything. One slept through the night by twelve weeks while another didn’t until the age of three. One essentially potty trained herself before the age of two and another required a year of bribery and different methods to get it. Because of this, different gear helps for different babies and different moms. And in the end, all their babies turned out beautiful, unique, and just fine, each with their own set of talents and gifts and struggles.
So, try to take the stress off yourself when registering. Just use your best judgment to guess what you might need or what you want to try. And maybe ask for some gift cards for once you get to know your baby.
Just like all moms you encounter, you don’t really know what you’re doing. Just like them, you will figure this out. It will be okay. And when your baby is a toddler and your pregnant friends call to ask what gear to register for, go ahead and tell them what worked for you. And send them this post.
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