You are Not Crazy, Moms. This Moment Just Really is Terrible.

The only thing worse than a terrible day or hour or moment is believing that you should actually be enjoying it.

Two quick memories I would like to share:

I remember one evening during my second trimester. I was throwing up for what was probably the third time that day. I looked out from the bathroom and saw that maternity store bag (you know, the store that just sold me a super overpriced, ugly bra) and the bag read, “This is going to be fun!”

I remember around 10 months into motherhood, when the well-meaning older woman in the grocery store said, “You are going to miss this time!” not knowing that all three of us were just hit with a stomach bug and that I had only gotten two hours of sleep the night before. Couldn’t she see the dark bags under my eyes, or that all I was buying was Lysol and saltines?

We’re hit with lots of this type of messaging, most of it more implicit. The beautiful mom photos all over social media. The diaper commercials with the moms smiling at their cute babies. So many things that make us feel that we should be enjoying every moment. Not to mention a lifetime of subtle messaging that motherhood is the ultimate dream, and that this should be deeply fulfilling all the time.

Motherhood really is amazing sometimes. I really mean it when I say I would not trade it for anything. There are so many great, beautiful, wonderful moments. For example, right now, my 19-month-old is obsessed with doing the chicken dance. I hum the song for her and she does the whole thing over and over. When I stop, she looks at me, says, “more” (which sounds more like “muhh”) while doing the sign language for more. When I start humming again she squeals and gets the biggest grin on her face. It’s kind of amazing.

But there are a lot of moments in motherhood that are just plain terrible. There are bad days. And bad nights. Oh man, the bad nights. There are nights that I seriously shudder to think about. There are things that anyone would find super challenging.

Like, for example, if your infant is going through a sleep regression and each time you started to drift off you are awoken to their cries, all night long. Or if you just took your baby to get their immunizations, and watched them go from smily and happy in your arms to screaming as if they had been tortured. Or if you just dropped your three-year-old at daycare and they started sadly sobbing and saying, “Please don’t leave me here, mommy.” Or if your baby is crying in the shopping cart while your two-year-old is running down the aisle pulling stuff off the shelves, and now people are glaring at you.

I could go on, but you get it.

In my first year as a mom, each bad moment had two stages of awfulness.

In the first stage, my thoughts were like this: This is really hard. Like really, really hard. This feels terrible, bad, not good. I don’t like this.

The second stage was almost worse than the first, and I realize now it was entirely preventable, which is why I am writing about this. My thoughts were like this: I think something is wrong with me. Surely, other moms don’t feel this way. Aren’t I supposed to be happy all the time? Aren’t I supposed to be fulfilled all the time? I don’t think this moment is the way I am supposed to feel. I must be too sensitive. Maybe I’m not strong enough. Maybe I wasn’t supposed to be a mom. Maybe I’m crazy.

I wish I could go back and give myself the following speech: You don’t enjoy these hard moments? I would be super worried about you if you did. Of course you don’t! Stop being guilty or feeling crazy or feeling that something is wrong with you. You are not crazy. It is not your imagination. This particular moment just really is terrible.

I hope you are not relating to these struggles, but if you are, I want to say that every mom feels like you in these bad moments. Every mom is different, but I hope it is fair to say that no mom enjoys teething, sleep regressions, illnesses, screaming babies, endless diaper changing, etc . You are allowed to have negative feelings. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. It doesn’t mean you are a bad mom. It doesn’t mean that you don’t or won’t love motherhood.

Our expectations for motherhood are so out of whack. At least mine were. What is going on? I mean, I loved loved loved college so much, but I remember the bad times. I remember how homesick I was that first year and beyond. I remember the struggle of navigating confusing relationships with friends, roommates, dating relationships. I remember how miserable I felt staying up all night writing that fourth paper in a week while feeling crushed under the weight of my own perfectionism. This is how life is. No stage is all good or all bad.

Try to spare yourself the anguish of supposed to feel. You get to feel however you want.

Now, when something terrible is happening. I just think, yeah, this moment is awful. I remind myself that it will pass, and then I move on.

[Edit: I wrote this yesterday, and after being up most of the night with my sick daughter, I realized I wanted to add something. There’s a greater point to this than just self-compassion. When I accept how difficult and terrible something is, it frees up my mind and energy to notice those little glimpses of joy or love or happiness. Last night, when I could accept how awful it is to see my daughter so miserable, I was able to notice how incredibly sweet and amazing it is that when my daughter isn’t feeling well, she just wants to cuddle with me and watch Elmo. She loves me a lot. Okay, that’s all I wanted to add.]

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