When it comes to being a mom, I don’t know what I’m doing and I don’t think I ever will. I feel like a huge weight is lifted off my shoulders when I just admit that. I don’t mean it in a self-critical or shame-y way. It’s really just the truth. In any situation that arises, I will try my best. But I will never know.
Right now, for instance, my daughter is 20 months old. She has just started having occasional emotional outbursts over silly things. Honestly, half the time I can’t figure out how to respond. Am I supposed to comfort her and help her navigate her new emotions? Am I supposed to start treating this as bad behavior? Should I just put her down for a nap because she is tired? I just have to think through everything I know (which is not much) and take my best guess.
All people can ever do is make the best decisions they can with the information and resources they have. That’s all I try to do everyday. That’s all I can do.
Being a mom is not like any other skill or ability I’ve ever tried to acquire in the past. I’m not sure it even is a skill. It is some strange combination of a relationship, skill, instinct, work, ontological status… I’m not sure.
There is far less control than in any other type of work, and there are times when no amount of knowledge or hard work or strategy can solve your problems.
For example, my daughter was a very easy-going baby, but like every baby, she had fussy days. When your tiny baby cries for a long time, it does not feel good. It is hard to describe how awful and helpless it can feel. When this happens, there is a list of things you can try: check if they are hungry, change their diaper, dress them warmer, dress them cooler, check their temperature, sing to them, bounce them, take them outside, put on white noise, put on music… but still, they may keep crying because sometimes, babies just cry. And you just have to hold them (or put them down if you need a break) and hope they stop and pray that nothing is wrong. Moments like these invite us to accept our helplessness and lack of control, which is hard if you are the type of person with a positive, everything-is-figureoutable kind of attitude.
Will I make mistakes as a mom? I am sure I already have and will in the future. I think all parents should accept that if they love their children and try their best, they will do a good job but will also make tons of mistakes. Every adult person walks the earth full of love and joy and pain and sadness and strengths and weaknesses, and some of the good and the bad is because of their parents and family situation growing up. Maybe that’s a dark perspective, but it’s also just the truth. It is just part of the human condition. It is unavoidable.
I hope that when I make small mistakes in this early stage, I can somewhat fix any damage I have done later. It can feel very high stakes when people throw around terms like “emotional damage” or “spoiled” that seem to imply permanent, irreversible damage. These are the types of terms that keep me awake at night. Parents with multiple kids have assured me that eventually, you develop greater peacefulness, not necessarily because you know more, but because you see that because of you and in spite of you, kids are resilient and turn out pretty good if you try your best.
I also hope when I see my mistakes, which will mostly only happen in restrospect, I will be compassionate and forgiving towards myself, knowing that I always tried my best and that’s all I could have done. I hope I can even forgive myself for how much I worried and stressed over each decision when I could have been enjoying all of this more.
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