My favorite book to give to new moms is called, “Good Moms Have Scary Thoughts: A Healing Guide to the Secret Fears of New Mothers” by Karen Kleiman, MSW. It is such an honest, accessible book about so many of the thoughts that enter the minds of new moms.
There is a page that I find particularly poignant. It features an illustration in which two women are sitting beside a new mom cradling her baby. They are congratulating her. One says to her, “Your life is now complete! Look what you have!”
The new mom has a thought bubble that says, “Look at all I have? What about what I’ve lost? I’ve lost all connections to my former self, my career, my body, time with friends, alone time with my husband, any sense of who I am, spontaneity, intimacy, and financial security.” She goes on with a longer list about her losses.
When I read this over a year after having my baby, I thought that of all the helpful things I needed to hear in new motherhood, that was it.
Becoming a mom comes with some really painful losses.
There are the external, obvious losses, which vary mom-to-mom. It could include loss of financial security, profound changes in your physical and mental health, loss of your job if you choose to stay home, loss of many freedoms most adults have, the loss or weakening of relationships, and so many other things.
Then there are deeper losses. Intrapsychic loss refers to a loss within one’s psyche of the way one thinks about oneself, the future, the world, or the meaning of life. The experience of pregnancy, birth, and new motherhood often causes radical shifts in belief, meaning, identity, faith, and so many other important things. I know it did for me.
It’s not only okay but important to recognize, grieve, and honor these and any other losses that come with becoming a mom.
Unfortunately, there are very few people and spaces that allow moms to say these things out loud.
My husband and I have been doing a lot of sorting and organizing during these strange times, and I was just looking at a stack of cute, pastel-colored cards I received at my baby shower.
A baby is life’s greatest blessing.
Congratulations on your bundle of joy!
A baby- what a gift!
It was these sorts of lines, and the widespread attitude behind them, that kept me from admitting the truth of what was happening to me during a really difficult period of my life.
As a culture and society, we have labeled becoming a mom as a purely joyful experience.
We shouldn’t, because it’s not.
Having a baby changes nearly everything about your life quite suddenly, Part of that change is wonderful, but part of it is sad and very difficult. So why do we act as if it should be purely joyful? Of course it will also be painful and sad. Everything in your life is changing and you are changing in the process. You have to grieve the life your lost, the you you lost.
When we act as if becoming a mom should be a purely joyful experience, one that should be deeply fulfilling all the time, we are silencing and confusing moms. We are making things way worse than they need to be.
About 20 years ago, a grief researcher named Ken Doka coined the term disenfranchised grief, which he defined as, “Grief that persons experience when they incur a loss that is not or cannot be openly acknowledged, socially sanctioned, or publicly mourned.”
I think this is a fitting term for the grief that is sometimes experienced by new moms.
Many of us went through early motherhood feeling like the sadness and grief we experienced were horrible, unspeakable, shameful secrets.
That’s a problem, because when people feel silenced in their feelings, it actually amplifies those feelings. On the other hand, speaking your feelings out loud can be powerfully healing. Feelings do not become more real because they are acknowledged. They actually become softer.
To talk about it won’t make the grief or sadness worse. It will just make moms less prone to guilt, shame, confusion, and despair. A healthy culture would allow moms to voice these truths. And it’s not only okay, but important to recognize, honor, and grieve the changes and losses that come with becoming a mom.
Thanks for reading. To get posts straight to your inbox, subscribe below:
You can also find us on Facebook here:
Light Up Moms 