Being a Mom During the Coronavirus Pandemic

I’ve been wondering whether to write about this, whether to add to the noise, (so much noise!) but I will because I can’t sleep and it’s 2 a.m. and something ordered me to get out of bed and write down some thoughts.

Today is March 20, 2020, the midst of the Covid-19 or coronavirus pandemic, and everything is being shut down and shut out and shut inside.

I have found this whole thing unbelievable and scary and interesting and… strangely affirming of my understanding of life.

Ever since I became a mom, I don’t live in a cleaned up, controlled world where things add up nicely. I live in a dark, twisty reality in which everything is wild and chaotic and makes little sense on a rational level.

It makes me a little bit tortured. It also makes me profoundly, annoyingly hopeful.

This whole pandemic just affirms the lessons that motherhood has taught me again and again. It has reminded me of these truths that I know deep down:

The truth is we are not in control. There is a wildness, a chaos to everything. Imagine looking down through the canopy of a rainforest with a magnifying glass and watching all the squirming life coexisting on the trees, in the roots, in the soil… we are just a part of that. It is uncontrolled, it is beautiful, it is wild. We are subject to forces of nature beyond our control.

The truth is not everything makes sense or adds up or “happens for a reason.” It doesn’t mean things are meaningless (just the opposite actually) but it just means it’s not going to add up nicely in a way humans can understand.

The truth is we are limited. All of us want to help in times of crisis and uncertainty. We can do our part by distancing and helping out those around us, but that’s it. Understanding my limitedness is a central element of motherhood for me. As a mom, not a day goes by that I don’t contemplate my own limitedness, that I am a finite being trying to love with an infinite love, and it’s impossible to succeed. It’s also impossible to fail.

The truth is life can change in an instant. For the better. For the worse. Being a mom has made me an expert in this. I can be having a magical week and then teething or a stomach bug can turn my life into a nightmare in a second. It happens all the time. As soon as you settle into one thing, you are catapulted into something else.

I also know the following hopeful thing: that though these next weeks could be okay or or bad or terrible, some good stuff will come out of it. I don’t think the good will outweigh the bad, but we are going to learn some things. We are going to discover new things, about ourselves, about each other, about love, about life. I think there will be some good surprises in it for us as individuals and as a human race.

All of this coronavirus stuff feels so different and also… the same as everything else in my life as a mom.

3 Quick pieces of wisdom I’ve heard that I want to share during this time:

Compassion is not a pizza. So many people have been impacted by this virus. Some have been mildly inconvenienced. Others feel that a bomb has gone off in their lives. Some have suffered illness, grief, job loss, marital strain, financial stress, job insecurity, anxiety, fear, depression, loss of support. Brene Brown says that “compassion is not a pizza” and what she means is that we should avoid the temptation to rank order our suffering. Our compassion, for ourselves and for others, is not limited. Just because your struggles may not be as big as another mom’s out there, you have the need, right, and ability to grieve, to take time to wallow in the pain of all this in order to emerge on the other side and regain your strength.

Comparison is the thief of joy. In a world where we are all isolated, we tend to turn to social media. I don’t know about you, but my Facebook newsfeed stresses me out right now. All of these moms attempting to work from home, homeschool their kids, and come up with amazing, fun family activities. This is cool to see! But just remember, you are seeing the highlight reel in the lives of other families. For those moms trying to be a great employee and also make healthy meals and teach your kids and limit screen time and everything else, please let yourself off the hook a little bit. You are doing something so incredibly difficult. You do not need to be perfect, or even good at this all the time. Be kind to yourself.

Physical distancing, not social distancing. Right now, we need to stay physically away from each other, but isolation is not good for anyone! Use this time to call old friends, skype with family, set up a group snapchat with your childhood buddies, get on the Marco Polo app and message some friends. Let’s practice physical distancing, but not social distancing. I know I’ve enjoyed some phone calls from old friends, my immediate family has had funny group chats going, and it’s added lots of joy and sanity to my days.

I hope you are all well. Stay as safe and sane as possible during this time!

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