5 Ways to Develop Greater Compassion for All the Other Moms

So many moms feel isolated. It does not matter whether you live near family or not, work outside the home or not, are surrounded by old friends or not. I know so many moms feels lonely, isolated, misunderstood, unseen, even by the people closest to them.

I felt like this so much throughout my first year as a mom, spending most of my time with an adorable but noncommunicative being. When I was out at the park or library, I encountered so many other moms but I just kept to myself. Over time, I discovered the truth that most of those moms felt the same way I did. So many of them were desperate for adult conversations, for just sharing about their day, and for finding new mom friends.

[Quick interjection to state the obvious: Some moms in these places really do want peace and quiet or just to interact with their children, which is normally pretty obvious from social cues. Not all of them are looking to have conversations, but many are.]

Sometimes, though, we let assumptions, preconceptions, and judgements get in the way of finding the most amazing mom friends. I realized that due to my education and jobs I had held in the past, I had always lived my life in a bubble of people similar to me; similar backgrounds, beliefs, ideas. As a mom at the playground or library, I felt thrown in with moms from every walk of life. Over time, my mindset started to shift. Here are five things I’ve learned to do over time, not that I do them perfectly or even that well.

1. Talk with moms, ask questions, and listen. Be open to becoming friends with every mom you meet. And also, be open to what every mom has to teach you. The other day at the library, I met a mom that had a very different parenting style than me. She had three young children with her and one who was at preschool. Once I started talking with her, she absolutely astounded me. I found out that her boyfriend worked during normal business hours, but in order to financially support her family, she worked four overnight shifts each week at a very physically demanding job that required being on her feet. How did she watch her four young children all day, and even bring them places like the library, while also working night shifts? This blew me away. What she was doing each week was harder than almost anyone can fathom. I was suddenly honored to be in her presence. We started talking and had such a wonderful conversation.

2. Hold onto your bad memories. Sounds counterintuitive, but try to remember. Try to remember how scary and vulnerable it was to have a newborn. Try to remember that there were days that first year when you were so tired, you felt like you got hit by a truck. Try to remember how nervous you were to send your firstborn to school. Remembering how hard it was is part of what enables you to empathize and connect with other moms. A lot of unhelpful or even harmful things are said when a mom forgets what it was like in a previous stage of motherhood.

3. Remember a time when motherhood humbled you. Actually, keep a running list. Keep a running list in your mind of all the things you said you wouldn’t do that you ended up doing. Maybe you said you wouldn’t let your kids eat unhealthy food, but then you got a super picky eater. Maybe you said you wouldn’t let your kids watch television, but you didn’t realize how hard it would be on those days when you are exhausted, sick, or overwhelmed. Maybe you said you would never co-sleep, until you never slept more than a few consecutive hours for 11 months in a row despite every possible thing you tried (this is me.) When we feel ourselves judging another mom, pull this list to the front of your mind. You might have made the same decisions if you had lived their life instead of yours.

4. Develop greater awareness and acceptance of the thoughts and feelings inside yourself. One of the main reasons moms can be judgmental of each other or draw divisive lines is because they are unable to accept their own thoughts, feelings, and fears. Apparently, there is some level of judgement or antipathy between working moms and full-time caregiver moms, at least online. Honestly, I have not witnessed that much of this in my own life. My experience is that most moms understand both of these options, or at least pretend to. But I’m convinced that if moms are judging each other over this, it is probably because many moms fear they made the wrong decision, or feel some level of guilt, regret, or fear around whatever decision they made or were forced to make by circumstances beyond their control. Once we’re aware and accepting of what is happening inside ourselves, that judgment often vanishes and we see that everyone is on our team.

5. Share your own story with courage. As I become friends other moms, I’ve learned to always try to be honest about my struggles. It’s amazing how many times moms say, “me too!” It’s amazing how many times we connect over things, and how much life I get from those conversations. Even if they don’t relate personally, they normally know moms with similar struggles. These conversations fill me with life! Share the little struggles, like laundry or how your baby hates the carseat. Share the big struggles, like loneliness or mental health issues or finding time to connect with your spouse.

Learning to do these things has drastically altered my life. Now, when I’m at the library, park, or zoo, I feel I am surrounded by the most astounding, amazing, awe-inspiring women I have ever met. I am not isolated any more.